Healthy Relationships
We all want to have healthy relationships, be they with our families, roommates, professors, or friends. Having a healthy relationship becomes especially important when the person is close to us; someone we are considering dating, or our significant other.
So what makes a relationship healthy? Here are some points to consider:
- Both people show respect for each other and self.
- Both people share open and honest communication.
- Privacy is respected.
- Decisions are shared and discussed truthfully.
- There is no use of threats or coercion to get the other person to agree with you.
- Independence and personal responsibility are encouraged.
- Each person has common and separate interests and friends.
- Both people are encouraged to maintain health relationships with friends and family.
- Individual belief and value systems are respected and encouraged.
Unhealthy Relationships
- Involve abuse - physical, sexual, or emotional.
- Focus only on one person's needs.
- Rely on shame, guilt, fear, and secrets.
- Revolve around drugs, alcohol, money, and/or physical contact.
- Have unreasonable expectations, and punishments for violating them.
Early warning signs of abusive relationships:
Are you in a relationship with someone who…
- is excessively jealous and possessive of you?
- is bossy, gives orders, and makes all the decisions?
- puts you down in front of friends, or calls you names?
- hurts you physically, or threatens you in any way?
- has unpredictable mood swings or explosive anger?
- pressures you sexually?
- abuses alcohol or other drugs?
You have the right to receive respect, to personal space, to feel safe, and to grow and learn in directions you choose. Individual decisions affect other people because we live in a common society. Choices in life should be carefully considered, but these are yours to make. Take good care of yourself. Don't like where you've been? You can begin again at any time to build a life you can be proud of! We're here to support you!
Other resources on relationships:
- Advocates for Youth: More on healthy relationships, communication skills, and a "Bill of Dating Rights."
http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/youth/health
/relationships/index.htm - Kansas State University: Relationship tips and skill-building ideas.
http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/topics/relationships/relatn.html - University of Texas at Austin: "Healthy Romantic Relationships During College" - an online brochure.
http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets
/romrelations/romrelations.html
Safe Dating Behaviors
"Safe isn't just about sex." (http://www.avp.org/datingsafety.htm) Being away from home puts you in charge of both choosing friends and dating in a whole new way. You will be creating a social life on and off campus; meeting a variety of new friends and going to different places. Some safety tips to consider include:
- Get to know new people in group settings. Meet their friends and introduce them to yours; avoid "loners." Don't go to a private place with someone you don't know.
- Go out with friends you trust; look out for one another. Commit to a "buddy system" before you go out, and stick to it. You can exchange phone numbers with that new person and talk tomorrow.
- When going out on a date, tell a friend so someone knows where you are - and with whom. If it's a first date, you could plan to "check in" some time during the evening. Ask questions about your date, and get to know his or her friends. Someone you can trust will be open with information, not secretive.
- Protect your belongings. Don't carry a lot of unnecessary cash, and keep your cell phone and keys with you at all times.
- Mix your own drinks, preferably from sealed containers. Prefer canned, unopened beverages; opened liquor and soda bottles can be "doctored." Never pick up a drink if you have left it unattended; it's safer to throw it away.
- "Date-rape" drugs do exist. If you feel funny, disoriented, or suddenly tired, tell your friends immediately and leave. Seek medical attention if needed. But keep in mind, the most common "date rape drug" is alcohol. Set a safer drink limit for yourself, and stick to it.
- Be clear about your limits and expectations. "No" means "no," but only "yes" means "yes." Any person, male or female, who is impaired by alcohol or other drugs cannot give legal consent to sexual contact. If you or your companion have had too much to drink, go home - tomorrow is another day.
Getting around alone:
If you are uncomfortable in a situation, trust your instincts. When you want to go home we provide services - with no questions asked.
- Late Night Ride Service 815.753.2222
This door-to-door service is available to escort students seven days a week from 10:00 pm to 6:00 am, and upon request will provide escorts at any time to ensure student safety. The Service is staffed by NIU Security Guards, under the supervision and funding of the Department of Public Safety. - Student Patrol/Escort Service 753-2222
A group of students, under the supervision of NIU's Department of Public Safety, patrols the campus and is available to escort students from 6:00 pm to 2:00 am, Monday through Friday. - Other Resources on Safe Dating: TBA
In Your Space: Interpersonal Violence
Interpersonal violence comes in many forms - it is violence between human beings. Northern Illinois University seeks to provide a safe place for you to live and study. The NIU campus is not more dangerous than other college campuses across the country. But college campuses are places where large numbers of young people are gathered, many of whom are away from home for the first time. It is important to take steps to keep yourself safe. We are here to provide protection and support when you need it.
Interpersonal violence includes:
- Sexual harassment - Unwelcome sexual conduct, including unwarranted sex-related comments, sexually explicit comments or graphics, unwelcome touching, or derogatory jokes which cause the recipient discomfort or humiliation, and which continue after the recipient has made it clear that he or she wants them to stop (2005 ACHA Campus Violence White Paper).
- Stalking - "The willful, repeated, and malicious following, harassing, or threatening of another person." This can occur in person, on the telephone, and on the internet. If someone else continues to contact you after you have told them once to stop and you feel uneasy or threatened by their presence, remember that you have the right to be left alone.
- Sexual assault, which includes, but is not limited to, rape - is defined as the forced penetration of any orifice of your body by another person; this includes using objects. "Forced" means you did not give permission, were threatened in some way - physically or emotionally - or were unable to give permission. Despite television and movie dramas, most rapes are not committed by strangers jumping from bushes - the rapist is most often someone we know. Rape is not about sex - it is about power and control. For this reason, men can be victims of rape as well.
- Date/Acquaintance Rape - is a sexual assault crime committed by someone who knows the victim. It includes forced, manipulated or coerced sexual contact. If someone has forced you to have sex, that is rape - even if you know the attacker [ICASA].
- SEX REQUIRES CONSENT: Consent is permission; it is a clear, verbal or physical, "yes." It is "freely given agreement." It is not "no," or silence. Drinking and/or drugs can impair consent. In Illinois, the persons involved must be physically and mentally able to give consent, and of legal age. "If any individual says 'no' at anytime during the sexual act, the other person must stop or it becomes rape; even if prior consent is given." This is the law.
- Domestic Violence - Often occurs at home, between people who have an ongoing relationship. It is more likely to be complicated and long-term; abuse may escalate and then subside, in what is called a "cycle of violence." Domestic violence includes emotional and verbal abuse as well as hitting, throwing things, and other physical violence. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website contains extensive information on this topic: http://www.ncadv.org/learn/TheProblem_100.html. As a student at NIU, you are provided resources and counseling at no cost; the law provides protection no matter where you live. Just ask.
- Hate crimes - Crimes committed against persons because of their gender, social status, race, religious affiliation, sexual preference - all of these are forms of violence and are punishable by law. The Leadership Council on Civil Rights website contains definitions and links, as well as news stories on these issues: http://www.civilrights.org/issues/hate/
- NIU does not tolerate violence or intolerance. The Judicial Affairs Office handles issues that arise between students; Students' Legal Services is available to advise our students in personal legal issues and those involving non-students.
- If you have questions, ask for answers. Interpersonal violence often goes unreported. Statistics indicate that fewer than 5% of completed and attempted rapes are reported. Know that your privacy will be protected, and that you will have choices about when and how to proceed at every step. Campus police are trained, skilled, experienced State Police officers, and NIU Counseling Services provide confidential, professional services at no cost.
- Campus crime statistics are posted every year: http://www.niu.edu/safety/dekalb.shtml
- The full NIU Policy Statement on Sexual Assault is located on the NIU Student Affairs website at www.stuaff.niu.edu under What We Do; Policies.
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Other Resources on Interpersonal Violence:
- The Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault: http://www.icasa.org/ Includes legal definitions, victims' rights, location of outreach centers, information on Illinois law, and links to national organizations.
- Safe Passage - - DeKalb: 815.756.5228 - Crisis center open twenty-four hours a day. Provides counseling and support for victims of sexual assault and their significant others. Operates a safe house; available to accompany victim to hospital and police.
- National Center for Victims of Crime http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbID=DB Resources on dating violence, stalking, and recovery issues.
- Handbook on Dating Violence: Six-page handbook that covers many prevention topics: http://www.safeoncampus.org/documents
/NewBTSstudyguide.pdf
How to Help a Friend
- Believe him or her. People do not lie about sexual assault. When your friend is hurting, it is always better to believe than accuse.
- Listen in a supportive way. Keep calm. Offer options; don't make decisions for them - they need to regain a sense of control.
- Let them know this was not their fault. No manner of dress, no inappropriate behavior, no amount of alcohol, no wild party, is an invitation for rape. Nor can most victims protect themselves from an intended rape.
- They are the victim of a violent crime; they have survived and may need medical attention. Ask if they want you to accompany them to the hospital, or police.
- Respect their privacy and confidentiality; do not tell anyone without their consent.
- Ask them how you can help. Do they need a safe place to stay? Offer to contact resources for them. Unless they clearly need immediate medical attention and cannot speak for themselves, only do for them what they ask you to do.
- Seek advice and counseling for yourself if you need it
- Do not pursue the attacker! Charges of assault and battery in attempts at revenge have seriously compromised legally charging the rapist. Focus on taking care of your friend, and yourself, first.
- Call 911 on campus for emergency police.
- Kishwaukee Hospital is prepared to collect evidence kits in rape cases.
- The campus call boxes will connect you to the police when you pick up the phone.
Especially for Men
- www.danenet.wicip.org/msr
- http://www.mencanstoprape.org/
- http://www.sa.rochester.edu/masa/
- http://www.mmavs.org/
- http://www.menagainstsexualviolence.org/
- http://www.whiteribbon.com/
- http://www.rapeis.org/activism/prevention/menagainstrape.html
- http://www.tulane.edu/~tmar/
- http://www.oneinfourusa.org/
- http://www.ac.wwu.edu/~pahlb/
- http://www.students.haverford.edu/masar/front.htm
Men Against Sexual and Interpersonal Violence (MASIV)
MASIV was created out of the recognition of the need for men to take a more active role in addressing issues of interpersonal violence and sexual assault. Considering that 99% of rapes and sexual assaults committed in the United States are committed by men, it is certainly time for men to step up and get involved.
According to 2003 statistics, 20 women in the United States are victimized sexually every hour. That’s 20 mothers, 20 sisters, 20 girlfriends, 20 partners, 20 best friends of men in our country. Rape is not a “women’s issue”, it’s a human issue. If you are a man who shares these perceptions and concerns, MASIV wants you.
Discussions at meetings focus on developing a peer education program that discusses sexual and interpersonal violence from a male perspective. Issues of bystander apathy, male empathy for sexual abuse victims, substance use/abuse, homophobia, and personal responsibility are central to the proposed programming efforts.
MASIV has also recently been recognized nationally as an affiliate of NO MORE, inc. and is an official “One in Four” peer-education chapter. The name “One in Four” comes from the statistic that one in four college aged women have survived a rape or attempted rape since their 14th birthday.
Members of MASIV will have the opportunity to be trained as peer-educators and participate in the “One in Four” outreach group. These men will present the program, “How to Help a Sexual-Assault Survivor: What Men Can Do,” a powerful, provocative and empirically assessed program that has been shown to increase men’s empathy with victims of rape, significantly lower men's rape myth acceptance, as well as lower men’s likelihood of raping in the future.
MASIV is hopeful that contacts within the NIU Greek community, residence halls and the off-campus community will facilitate the identification of audiences for outreach presentations. We will work closely with Health Enhancement in our efforts to address the issue of sexual violence on the NIU campus. We will educate male students in regard to issues of sexual and interpersonal violence, rape prevention, and substance use/abuse in an effort to decrease incidents of sexual and interpersonal violence at NIU. In addition, we will recruit members and potential peer educators for MASIV.
MASIV meets monthly throughout the semester. Please contact Troy Melendez for more information, meeting times, and locations.
Interpersonal Violence Response Team (IVRT)
As part of its commitment to provide a safe and secure campus, NIU Student Affairs Division supports IVRT, a group of professionals that encourage and respond to the reporting of sexual assaults, domestic violence, and stalking, both on and off campus.
- Emergency: Call 911 -or- University Police @ 815.753.1212 (Non-emergency)
http://www.finfacil.niu.edu/PublicSafety/Note: Emergency call boxes are available in well-lit locations throughout campus. Simply open the call box and pick up the phone; you will be immediately connected to our University Police Department.
Email: niupd@niu.edu - to provide non-emergency information on any criminal activity.
- Counseling and Student Development Center: 753-1206
http://www.stuaff.niu.edu/csdc - Health Services: 753-1311
http://www.uhs.niu.edu/uhs/ - Judicial Affairs: 753-1571
http://www.stuaff.niu.edu/judicial/ - Safe Passage - Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Center, DeKalb: 756-5228
Other Resourcse
- Commission on Domestic Violence - Law School Initiative Project
www.abanet.org/domviol
This American Bar Association Web page provides online links and resources for people who need counseling following a domestic violence incident and people who are searching for publications about violence against women. - Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
www.rainn.org
RAINN offers a toll-free hotline for free, confidential counseling and support 24 hours a day for victims of rape, abuse, and incest.