To earlier election photo-finish tales
(To print only one tale, "copy" and "paste" it to your word processor.)
George W. was grossed out and hesitant to taste this strange-looking brew. Gently, the aide said, "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
George W. dug in, spooning up a small piece of matzo ball with some soup, and quickly finishing it off the entire bowl and all of the matzo ball.
Bush leans over to the waitress and says, "Honey, could I have a quickie?"
She's horrified! She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you." And she marches off.
In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last night's Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.
"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lay back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact votecount in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot." "Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson,Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
The Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Good Evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in World Court seeking to over turn the Florida elect..... crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech: 2nd Draft
Good evening, my fellow Americans; Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote... crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech: 3rd Draft
Good Evening Everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shaf... crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore concession Speech: 4th Draft
Good Evening my fellow Americans; Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of "loser,"...... crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech: 5th Draft
I can't do this. I just can't do this, crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech: 6th Draft
Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Buhh...Bbb ..bahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKIN' CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS! crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech: 7th Draft
My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate... crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech: 8th Draft
Good Evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called "stealing," and in America stealing is a cri,,,,, crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech: 9th Draft
My fellow Americans; most of you probably know how to count. One, Two, three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida,,,,, cumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech: 10th Draft
My fellow Armenians,
As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra,I think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach. I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it.
Americans have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need absolutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadilloes. Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. Let everyone who needs to put food on the table put their family on the table. That's my record: I side with the people. And front for the money. But I back away from challenge.
A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.
I say there's a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was still knee high to a lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their life's work to those they love, and especially to pass on. Thanks, Mom and Dad.
We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. We need a sharpened sword to light our way.
The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches every heart with money. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business, because I was one myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we must match our compassionate hearts to our preservative minds.
I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so Iwill draw to a confusion.
My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire. I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. But we shall not trust the people with the money of the people who paid to get us here. Together, we can do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom.
A BUSINESS WOMAN WHO WANTS TO SHOW THE WORLD HOW SUCCESSFULL SHE IS, ORDERS A GOLD LEXUS
ON THE DAY OF DELIVERY, PROUD AS SHE CAN BE, SHE TURNS INTO TRAFFIC AND BEGINS TRAVELING HOME. SHE REACHES FOR THE RADIO BUT FINDS NONE. SHE IMMEDIATELY TURNS BACK TO THE SHOWROOM.
"YOU DID NOT PUT A RADIO IN THIS CAR," SHE SHOUTS IN ANNOYANCE.
"NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, THIS CAR HAS THE LATEST ELECTRONICS IN IT, THE RADIO IS VOICE CONTROLLED, LOOK I'LL SHOW YOU." IN A WELL MODULATED VOICE, THE SALESMAN SAYS,"RADIO-ON."
THE RADIO RESPONDS, "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR TODAY?" "SONGS BY NELSON," THE MAN RESPONDS. "BY RICKY OR WILLIE?" THE RADIO ASKS. "WILLIE." IMMEDIATELY THE CAR IS FILLED WITH THE VOICE OF WILLIE NELSON.
PLEASED, AS THE WOMAN LEAVES THE DEALERSHIP AND HEADS HOME. SHE COMMANDS, "RADIO ON." THE RADIO IMMEDIATELY RESPONDS, "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR?" "BEETHOVEN", SHE REPLIES. AND IMMEDIATLY THE CAR IS FILLED WITH THE MUSIC OF BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH SYMPHONY
The Ulimate Floridian defense: Don't Blame Me. I Didn't Vote.
Three strikes and you're President.
Don't Blame Me -- I voted for Gore ... I Think
Who punched the chads out? Whoo Whoo Whoo!
If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates
My other President is a Republican
My 2nd Grader is Smarter than 19,000 Florida Voters!
Jews for Buchanan
What popular vote?
"Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything." -- Joseph Stalin
My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President
Nicaragua was only practice. Florida was the real thing
Mi brudder sed I were elected. Im going too DizzyWerld
Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo
Grant? Harding? Nixon? Reagan? You ain't seen nothing yet!
I Invented the Bumper Sticker -- A. Gore
DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE........
LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU
Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant?
I hope Bush wins, that way the loaded gun I'm stroking right now will be legal.
Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.
Let them fight to the death
Trust the Machine
Now do you understand the importance of user-testing?
George III ... George Sr, George Jr ... hereditary monarchy has been restored!
To you I'm a drunk driver; to my friends, I'm presidential material!
One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)
I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER
IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES
Holocaust Survivors for Holocaust Deniers
The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.
Damn! Al's brother wasn't governor of Tennessee
OK, forget votes. How many guns do you have?
George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had
DON'T BLAME ME - I VOTED FOR... D'OH!
Bradley vs. McCain: Sounds Better Now, Huh?
The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the desert for 40 years
Campaign spending: $184,000,000.
Washington, D.C., December 30, 2004 -- After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 presidential election yesterday.
Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the winner of the 2004 presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Greenspan (formerly Clinton).
Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an optimistic tone last night. "We have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks," Bush said. "Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four or five hours. Let's get to work!"
Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic effort to fill Cabinet posts. Bush's victory ends a four-year court battle between him and Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000 election.
While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president - New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and a baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. "At times, it's been difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect, trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK."
Torre's four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at home and relative calm abroad. His most controversial move was appointing Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spit tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia's shoes, angering conservatives. Torre's boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state in an effort to improve U.S. pitching.
Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with Bush moving in immediately. Eager to give an aura of permanency to his three-week administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live out of suitcases.
Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former vice president issued a statement today saying, "It would be improper and disrespectful to the democratic process to act hastily before all the facts are known."
The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in Florida. When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid because some ballots were yellow and others pink. Gore countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be thrown out because some people failed to receive "I Voted Today" stickers.
Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the impasse. All were rejected, including:
*** Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and splitting the White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave rise to a hit TV show, East Wing, West Wing.
*** Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate ruling the states he won in the 2000 election. Gore, who failed to carry his native Tennessee, balked at the idea because it would mean showing a passport every time he went home. Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns tomorrow and isn't expected back until after Bush's term ends. "One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system," a Bush aide admitted. "But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big conference call or something."
Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer power to President-elect Greenspan. She yesterday wished Bush well and asked if she could start moving some boxes into the White House basement.