Katherine, the servant of the Son of Poppy -
The Strange Third World Election -
UN focuses on turmoil in Amerijkanistan -
A Salute to K. Harris -
Notice of Revocation of Independence -
Presidential Debate Transcript
(To print only one tale, "copy" and "paste" it to your word processor.)
And in the eighth year of the reign of Clinton Lascivious, the angel Rove was sent from Poppy unto a city of Florida, named Tallahassee,
To an heiress in the service of Jeb, Son of Poppy, and the heiress's name was Katherine.
And Rove came in unto her and said, Thou art highly favored, for the Bushes are with thee: blessed are thou among henchmen.
And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Katheine, for thou has found favor with Poppy.
And behold, thou shalt conceive a scheme, and bring for the Son of Poppy, and shalt call his name W.
He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of Bush, and they shall call his name Shrub, which being interpreted is, the vote is with us, and he shall be given the throne of his father.
And he shall reign over the House of the Gops, and his kingdom shall reign for four to eight years.
Then said Katherine unto the angel Rove, How shall this thing be, seeing he knows not a thing?
And the angel answered and said unto her, The Holy Machine shall come unto him, and the power of the Insiders shall overshadow all, therefore W. shall be called President of Presidents.
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Voter News Service, that all the nation had a new leader.
Yet no one knew who it was.
And all went to be counted and recounted, every one into his own precinct.
And Jeb of Florida went up to Tallahassee, out of the city of New Haven, because he was of the house and lineage of Yale,
To be recounted with Katherine of Citrus, being great with tallies.
And so it was, that, while they were there, the tabulations were accomplished that the certification should be delivered.
And she brought forth the firstborn Son of Poppy, and wrapped him in wadded-up ballots, and laid him down on the ranch, because there was no room in the transition office.
And there were in the same country canvassers abiding in the field offices, keeping watch over the ballots and counting chads by night.
And lo, the angel of Poppy came upon them, and the glory of the Media shone round about them, and they were sore afraid.
And the angel said unto them, Tally not: for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all Republicans.
For unto you is certified this day in the city of Jeb a President, which is George the W.
And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the Son wrapped in wadded-up ballots, lying through his spokespersons.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of pundits praising W. and saying, Glory to W. in the highest office, and on earth, compassionate conservatism.
And it came to pass, as the Republicans were gone away from them, the canvassers said unto one another, Let us now go even unto Tallahassee, and see this thing which has come to pass.
And they came with haste, and found Katherine, and Jeb, and W. lying around the ranch.
And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the canvassers.
1. Imagine that we read of an election occuring anywhere in the Third World in which the self-declared winner was the son of the former prime minister and that former prime minister was himself the former head of that nation's secret police (CIA).
2. Imagine that the self-declared winner lost the popular vote but won based on some old colonial holdover (the electoral college) from the nation's pre-democracy past.
3. Imagine that the self-declared winner's 'victory' turned on disputed votes cast in a province governed by his brother!
4. Imagine that the poorly drafted ballots of one district, a district heavily favoring the self-declared winner's opponent, led thousands of voters to vote for the wrong candidate.
5. Imagine that that members of that nation's most despised caste, fearing for their lives/livelihoods, turned out in record numbers to vote in near-universal opposition to the self-declared winner'scandidacy.
6. Imagine that hundreds of members of that most-despised caste were intercepted on their way to the polls by state police operating under the authority of the self-declared winner's brother.
7. Imagine that six million people voted in the disputed province and that the self-declared winner's 'lead' was only 327 votes. Fewer, certainly, than the vote counting machines' margin of error.
8. Imagine that the self-declared winner and his political party opposed a more careful by-hand inspection and re-counting of the ballots in the disputed province or in its most hotly disputed district.
9. Imagine that the self-declared winner, himself a governor of a major province, had the worst human rights record of any province in his nation and actually led the nation in executions.
10. Imagine that a major campaign promise of the self-declared winner was to appoint like-minded human rights violators to lifetime positions on the high court of that nation.
None of us would deem such an election to be representative of anything other than the self-declared winner's will-to-power. All of us, I imagine, would wearily turn the page thinking that it was another sad tale of pitiful pre- or anti-democracy peoples in some strange elsewhere.
After two decades in which social and financial inequalities widened amidst unsustainable speculative development, the country of Amerijkanistan held presidential elections this week.
The two leading candidates both came from a tiny governing elite, both spent vast sums on propaganda, and both have claimed victor. Experts on Amerijkanistan recall the nation's history of violent revolution, civil war and more recent political violence and assassinations, resignations, impeachments, sexual scandals and corruption as this emergent republic stabilizes.
"The country is struggling to emerge from years of political polarization and turmoil," said a World Trade Organization spokesperson, and its long-suffering people deserve our support."
"One side of the country declared results before voting was over in another part," he explained. Moreover, he went on to spell out that the southern province of "Floreeda," in which the leadership struggle is being fought, is run by the brother of one of the candidates, whose father previously ruled the entire country, having risen through his control of the nation's intelligence/security apparatus. Their family is based in a part of the country in which secessionist feelings have long run strong and which was only incorporated into Amerijkanistan after a border war.
Experts on Amerijkanistan argue that the UN should establish a presence to run education programs, disarm the population, relieve the malnutrition and environmental problems caused by adherence to a staple diet of cheese and meat patties, and democratize development of war machinery. "This country has used dangerous weapons in the past and often threatened to do so again. But with our help, modernization, and a stress on human development, it may have a more stable future and join the ranks of the civilized international community," the UN spokesperson said.